A mid-life crisis is for those who have chased someone else’s version of success. They stop and take stock of their life and realize “wow, I haven’t really lived.” They spent all of their time chasing money and material success instead of their dreams. They graduate college, get married, buy a house, have kids, and mow the lawn. And for most, that’s fine and an admirable trait, I suppose.

Me, I’ve tried hard to spend most of my life living. I go for the experience; the spontaneous trips, immersing myself in something and then moving on to something else, trying to learn and experience new things. I’ve had alot of jobs in my life. After high school I couldn’t fathom picking ONE thing and doing that job for the rest of my life. So no, I don’t have a “career”, but I’ve done everything from working helping the homeless to traveling all over the country managing a nationwide computer network for a large company. I’ve built golf courses, worked in hospitals, designed websites and graphics and was a groundskeeper for a town home complex. What did I get for all of those jobs? Life experience; I met so many different kinds of people, learned about and from them, got to see different segments of society and cultures and learned a great deal about my city, my neighbors and the world. So I don’t have an IRA, I don’t have a 401k and I don’t know what I’m gonna be doing a year from now. For most people that’s terrifying; for me that’s exciting.

I’ve not been afraid to love, to fall in love, to be loved. Some call not finding “the one” early in life and staying with them forever a “failure”. Bollocks! I’ve learned so much about relationships, people and more importantly myself than I ever could languishing in a truly failed relationship because I’m supposed to “stick it out and make it work”. Now, I do feel like I’ve found the woman I can be with for the long haul, the one who can put up with me, the one who “gets” me and who wants to really participate in my crazy, spontaneous lifestyle. I still don’t promise “forever” or have delusions of falling into the marriage thing, but I’m more full of hope these days than I ever have been.

All of this means that the best years of my life could still be in front of me, and I’m joyous at the prospect of what lies ahead.

However, the dream I chased all my life feels like it’s slipping away. I love my band, I love performing and touring, but recently I feel like it’s not going anywhere. Like I’m spinning my wheels. I haven’t really become a “better” musician. I haven’t expanded my knowledge base of music, performance or learned a new instrument. I don’t feel as if my voice is any better or that I’m a better songwriter. And the thing that bothers me the most, but is hard to explain without sounding conceited or dramatic, is that I don’t feel like I’m taken seriously on stage. I feel like an old dork trying to be cool. Why that bothers me, I’ll probably never know, but it affects the way I perform and makes me nervous about shows I shouldn’t be nervous about. Having such noticeable, obvious talent playing unique instruments surrounding me onstage doesn’t help to highlight the less-noticed-by-the-average-listener elements such as songwriting ability or rhythm guitar playing either. As I said, this all sounds petty to you, but it’s important to me as a performer.

I’ve been wanting to record a solo CD for years now, I’m no closer to that now than I was a year ago. Why? I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it will only serve to highlight my musical inadequacies of not being surrounded by better musicians. Songwriting? Every time I pick up my guitar to write, I get nothing. It’s like I don’t know what to do anymore.

Seeing others perform really gives me inspiration. I’m back in Indy, with free time to go out and experience the wonderful music this city has to offer. But most shows are on weekends, and guess what? I’m performing on the weekends. I guess I need to just put up or shut up. I need schedule time to go into the studio and record. But inspiration doesn’t have a day planner.

I hope this will all pass. Maybe something will happen, I’ll have a great show or the band gets picked up and noticed on a wider level or something like that and I’ll be over this funk. I hope I can go back and read this blog and think about what a dork I am for even thinking like this.

I would like to close with a giant thank you. Thank you to all those who have encouraged, inspired and supported me over the years. Thank you to all the musicians who have been in and out of Mother Grove. Thank you to all the people who take the time to tell me that a particular song moved them in some way. It’s for all of you that I keep pushing on; and will continue to do so.